OH! I Hurt When My Child Misbehaves!
Rarely is there a parent who does not feel sadly when their child makes a poor choice. But, if the response to the child’s mistakes leads the parent to feel hurt or afraid to allow the child to deal with the consequences for his/her choice, a problem exists for both the parent and the child.
o Do you love your child? Of course you do!
o Do you wish your child to be happy? Of course you do!
o Is it easy to ever see your child in pain of any sort? Of course not!
o Do you wish your child’s life would be better? Don’t we all!
o Is it your job to ensure that your child is never sad? Think hard about this one!
Many times parents find themselves caught between their understanding that they must follow through with consequences and their desire to "make things better."
o Our emotions and fears about our child not loving us cloud our duty to help our child learn from his/her poor choice.
o For some of us who have children with special needs, we want to shelter them from more difficulty and disappointment.
o We confuse being a loving authority figure with our fear of being seen as uncaring and mean. And, in so doing, we send unclear messages to our child about his/her responsibility to make wise choices in life.
The best we should have to offer our children is our willingness to help them learn to solve the problems that occur in life, not our need to "make things better." We begin this process by:
o Allowing our children to accept that their poor choice is their problem, not ours. (Though all of their problems will affect us, they need to learn that their poor choices affect them more)
o Feeling true empathy for them, but holding the child accountable.
o Working with them to see how they might solve the problem, without immediately prescribing the action. (Reasonable struggling promotes learning and remembering)
o Letting them experience the consequences of their poor choice to the fullest, unless it will physically hurt them or emotionally scar them for life. (Suffer the consequences)
o Showing them by word and action that no misbehavior will ever separate them from our love.
Our children learn best how to function in this world when they see that the decisions they make affect themselves more than us. When we step back and allow them to feel the effects of choices they make (positive and negative) they learn that they can be good decision makers. Not only does this help them become wiser in their choices but it also raises their belief in themselves. It gives them power. Power to overcome the struggles that they will face throughout their lives.
